Rolling!

Well, the new book is rolling along, and I am feeling great about it! At first I was worried that I was becoming a hack by writing something more marketable, but the more I get into this story, the more I like it. I like a lot of the characters and the situations, and the plot is developing nicely. I wish I could tell you more than that, but I don't like to divulge much while I'm in the first couple of drafts. Suffice it to say that it is a topic that I have always been interested in and I am very happy with my take on it thus far.

One of the hardest thing for me about writing an entire novel is that when the concept is new and, ahem, "novel," sorry, had to, it is easy to get into. But then as you get more familiar with the story it sometimes loses its luster, and you really have to force yourself to stay in it; to stay true to your original vision and just push on. Thus far, I haven't had to push myself. I have been looking forward to getting the next scene down, and as I write around the framework I have envisioned, new ideas pop up. New ways of handling in-story problems emerge. It is exciting. I hope it stays this way...

He's Got a Great Personality...

My Personality

Neuroticism	65
Extraversion	32
Openness to Experience	32
Agreeableness	41
Conscientiousness	10

You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you, however you feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. You are not prone to spells of energetic high spirits. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up, however you generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. UK Discount Ugg Boots

Wow. Now I hate myself even more than before. I don't know how much stock I put in these things, but I saw it on one of my fellow QT'ers blogs http://sboman.livejournal.com/ and thought I would give it a try. Let me say right now that she is much nicer than me.

Forging Ahead

I don't know if it's a good idea or not, but after feeling less than thrilled with the results of my just-finished second novel, I have begun to write my third. My wife thinks I have lost my mind. Now let me clarify: there was a lot I liked about my second book, tentatively titled "The Crystal Hills." There were some good characters and some exciting situations, but ultimately I have this feeling that it wouldn't sell. Now, I have long followed the axiom that says you should write what you want and not worry about the market. Considering the market makes you a hack. A HACK! I hate that word. Anyone who considers themselves an artist at any level doesn't want to be one, because it connotes that you have sold your artistic soul for commercial success. I would like commercial success for several reasons:

1. It would allow me to focus more on my writing. Between work, my kids, Querytracker and other things that I have going on, it is difficult to really focus on the craft. And for me to be able to do it well, it has to be focused on.


2. Commercial success would give me confidence. Knowing that people like what I write and want to read it would allow me some measure of freedom from second-guessing myself. I doubt I will ever reach the point where I no longer ask myself, "Is this a bunch of crap?" At least I hope not.


3. It could give me more freedom to pursue projects that might not necessarily be as "mainstream" as others. I say "could" because previous success does not necessarily mean future success. But once you are an established author, you have a little more leeway in what you can submit.


4. I get to write for a living. Self explanatory, no?

So taking these things into consideration, I have shelved my newly completed novel and began one that I thought might have a better market. I still like the story I am telling and I like the characters involved, so I feel like it is a better use of my time. There are others who want to beat me over the head for not finishing what I've already started, and, honestly, sometimes so do I. But I feel that if I have a story that will be easier to sell, I will have a better chance with my second novel in the future. I don't know what that says about me, but there it is. Sorry honey. Yet another first draft for you to suffer through!

Crisis

I am suffering an artistic crisis. I feel completely silly even saying that, but I am self-observant enough to be able to tell what is going on. I have lost faith in my ability (it is even difficult for me to write ability. I was going to say "talent," but somehow that seems far too lofty) and I am having difficulty pushing on. Logically, rationally, I know that pushing on is the key, but the lethargy is setting in and it would be so satisfying to just wallow in inactivity. I won't lie, I can be a lazy person, and it is much easier not to write. Writing takes effort, and when there is no external reward for that effort, it can be easy to put it aside. I convince myself that I suck, and so why bother anyway. Just sit on the couch and watch a movie you've seen a dozen times. Or read a good book. That's kinda like writing. You can at least identify with the skill and hard work it took to write it. Anything but writing myself.

Writing is a difficult craft, because it is very hard to judge whether or not you're any good. Very bad writers can make plenty of money, and very good writers can and do remain unpublished. So how can you tell if your writing is any good? My wife tells me I'm a good writer, but she loves me and wants me to be happy. I don't doubt her sincerity in saying what she says, but she is too close to me to be able to make a clear judgment. People who don't like me will say that my writing is terrible, but they are biased in the opposite direction. I have even had people who have no idea who I am read my work, and the results have been mixed. How fair is that? If unbiased people universally disliked my work, I could easily say I suck and should just PUT THE PEN DOWN! On the other hand, if it was universally liked, I could easily make the argument to myself that I just haven't found the right agent yet. But when some like it and some don't, all I can safely assume is that my work is mediocre and appeals to a narrow audience. Great. So how do you know?

I have been told that I have a materialistic view of success. Meaning that I would view my writing as successful if it was accepted by the current process, ie, if I got an agent, got published, and made some money. That is the way I look at it. But there is another factor involved. I do write because I like doing it. I enjoy the process of creating a story and bringing it to life. But at the same time it is a lot of work, and seems horribly futile if I am going to be the only one ever to read it. Boo-hoo, poor me, I know.

Oil World

I am really interested in alternative fuel sources, especially lately as gasoline prices go through the roof. I have three oil refineries surrounding my city and yet I still pay $3.15 a gallon for gas, and my cars only get 17-24 miles to the gallon. I hate math, so I'll leave the doing of it to you, but needless to say I, like most other Americans, pay a lot of money for gas every month. So I started looking into alternative fuel vehicles before I bought my most recent vehicle, and it seems the progress we have made in this area is surprisingly limited. On a lot of models it seems like the car manufacturers just slapped the word "Hybrid" on their vehicles to make people feel better. In all models that I looked at except the Toyota Prius, gas mileage was no better than 25 mpg! My Toyota RAV4 gets that on a regular gas engine. So why should I pay the extra $10,000 to get the same mileage? Fuel cell vehicles look promising, but they are also at least a year or two off and promise to be even more expensive than hybrids. So what if, for $7,000 to $10,000 , you could retrofit you current vehicle to run on a fuel that is plentiful, environmentally friendly, and that you can manufacture yourself? Well guess what? If it wasn't for your government looking out for your safety, you could!

There is a company in New Mexico, United Nuclear, that has designed and successfully tested a retrofit hydrogen fuel system that will work on modern gasoline engines. Check out their site and read the information. http://www.switch2hydrogen.com/ And even better, part of the package is a hydrogen generator that will create all the fuel you will ever need out of nothing more than air, water, and electricity. Too good to be true, you say? There must be a catch? Well, you're right. There is a catch. The Consumer Product Safety Commission shut down United Nuclear's program because some of the main components in their system could also be used for illegal fireworks manufacturing. Now, call me crazy, but do we really have an epidemic of illegal firewoks in our country right now? I know we have toys imported from China that are poisoning our children, and yet they still flow over the borders. I know that some of the commissioners were busy taking luxurious trips paid for by lobbyists and manufacturers, so they probably didn't have time to make sure that imported toys didn't have significant levels of lead paint, but they did take time out of their crowded travel schedule to take notice of the fact that some of the key components of United Nuclear's hydrogen fuel system could possibly be used to manufacture illegal fireworks. Here's a link to the CPSC's injunction against United Nuclear, if you are interested in reading the actual document. http://www.cpsc.gov/CPSCPUB/PREREL/prhtml07/07249.pdf

Who, I wonder, would have anything to gain by shutting this cutting edge technology down? Who would have the most to lose if this technology became prevalent? I think you already know the answer too. Big oil. And who is a major influence for big oil? Why, it's the President of the United States, George W. Bush, who continues to push Congress to give billions of your tax dollars to oil companies like Exxon, even when they are reporting record profits! Can you imagine what would happen to those companies if we could suddenly make our fuel with solar panels and water? I can think of many scenarios, among them a huge shift in our economy and a major change for a lot of people. People would lose jobs, and oil moguls like the Bush family would have to look for new ways to exploit Americans so they can maintain their standard of living. But at least our children might be able to look forward to having a planet that they could still live on. That would be nice.

Now, I know people love a good conspiracy, and many of us have heard stories about the guy who posted the design for an engine that gets 100+ mpg on the internet, and the next day the plans were gone and no one ever heard from the guy again. And Bob Lazar, the gentleman who runs United Nuclear catches some flack because he claimed to have worked at S-4, a super secret military base near Area 51 where he claimed to have studied and worked on the reverse-engineering of the propulsion systems of extraterrestrial space vehicles. Regardless of what you think of this, the fact remains that Lazar is a physist who has worked at the Los Alamos National Laboratory, so it would be an understatement to say he knows his science. The facts still remain that the US government, with whom Lazar has tangled before, took notice of this small science supply company. Why? Because they had a revolutionary idea that threatened interests at the highest levels of our government. With something like this hydrogen system powering our vehicles, we would no longer be beholden to the middle east for our oil and the costs for shipping products would drop dramatically. There would be difficulty, without a doubt, but this country has faced and overcome adversity far worse. That's part of what makes America great.

Feedback

Okay, this is going to be a blatant case of down-on-the-knees begging. I'm gonna do it, and I'm not ashamed. Ready? TALK TO ME, PEOPLE!! :-) I know there are a few of you who read this, and I appreciate it. I love it that there are people reading my words because I am an egomaniac and I need to be validated by having others tell me how much they think of me. No, what I really would like to see is just your comments or your thoughts on the subjects that I put out there. Boring? Fine, tell me. Lame? I know. What do you think is interesting? Let me know. Though I indulge my own little fantasy that people like to hear what I have to say, I know that I would like to hear what YOU have to say. Let 'er rip!

Age

I am 38 years old this month. That is getting dangerously close to 40. There is a lot of pressure to "succeed" before the age of 40, and though I don't usually think a lot about those sort of landmarks, this one is weighing on me. My 20th class reunion will be this summer and I don't think I will be attending. I tell myself that I there is really no one that I need to reconnect with, but I hereby admit that part of me is embarrassed that I am twenty years out of high school and still just plugging along. I never became an actor or a musician or made a million dollars. I still live in the same town, just a few blocks from the high school from which I graduated. I have a wife and three great kids, and I am proud of them, but I have no need to parade them in front of these people hoping that they will pat me on the back and tell me how wonderful my family is. Their opinion of me never mattered all that much then, why should it matter now?

I'll let you in on a little bit of geek truth. Yes, I was a geek in high school. Not a full-blown nerd, though I don't think I was very far from that, but still, I didn't play football or basketball or wrestle. I was in choir and drama, and I did pretty well. I was in the most prestigious choir in school, and my partner and I won the state championship for serious duo in competitive drama. Thanks for holding me together on that one, Traci. I still remember having to cut a couple of minutes out of a scene that we had been performing all season when one particularly competitive coach (TED!!!) timed us and found that we were over the allowed time limit. He threatened to file a complaint if we didn't get under the time limit, and I freaked. Traci held it together, though, and we did it and won state. That was a good year. However, the fact that I lettered in choir and drama was, and still is in some cases, a joke to a lot of people. So the bit of geek truth is, no matter how much we hated and resented those people who ostracized us because we didn't fit their ideal, we still want them to be impressed with us now that we are adults. We want to come to the reunion with better jobs and hotter wives and smarter kids than those jocks that laughed at us back in school. But WHY, for God's sake? Why should I care what they think? My wife loves me for who I am now, and my kids love me because I am their dad, why should I give a rat's ass what a complete stranger that I barely knew twenty years ago thinks about me? It upsets me to even acknowledge it.


But to return to the focus of this entry, when I think about my 20th class reunion, I begin to feel old. Not ancient, but at that point where a majority of people no longer consider me a young man. I have mentioned before that I have always had a youthful perspective on life, and think that I have a pretty young attitude, but if I ponder how old I am, I begin to feel older. So that got me thinking: how much of aging is dependent on how old you feel? I know that I am wiser in some areas of my life than I was when I was sixteen, and I know there are some things that I used to do when I was sixteen that I can't now that I am thirty-eight, but I still feel sixteen in my mind. So at what point to I begin to feel thirty-eight? Is sixteen the age at which I finally became fully aware of myself as a person and therefore am permanently fixed there, rooted in time? I just don't know, but when I'm sixty-four and my mind thinks I'm sixteen, I foresee problems.