I am suffering an artistic crisis. I feel completely silly even saying that, but I am self-observant enough to be able to tell what is going on. I have lost faith in my ability (it is even difficult for me to write ability. I was going to say "talent," but somehow that seems far too lofty) and I am having difficulty pushing on. Logically, rationally, I know that pushing on is the key, but the lethargy is setting in and it would be so satisfying to just wallow in inactivity. I won't lie, I can be a lazy person, and it is much easier not to write. Writing takes effort, and when there is no external reward for that effort, it can be easy to put it aside. I convince myself that I suck, and so why bother anyway. Just sit on the couch and watch a movie you've seen a dozen times. Or read a good book. That's kinda like writing. You can at least identify with the skill and hard work it took to write it. Anything but writing myself.
Writing is a difficult craft, because it is very hard to judge whether or not you're any good. Very bad writers can make plenty of money, and very good writers can and do remain unpublished. So how can you tell if your writing is any good? My wife tells me I'm a good writer, but she loves me and wants me to be happy. I don't doubt her sincerity in saying what she says, but she is too close to me to be able to make a clear judgment. People who don't like me will say that my writing is terrible, but they are biased in the opposite direction. I have even had people who have no idea who I am read my work, and the results have been mixed. How fair is that? If unbiased people universally disliked my work, I could easily say I suck and should just PUT THE PEN DOWN! On the other hand, if it was universally liked, I could easily make the argument to myself that I just haven't found the right agent yet. But when some like it and some don't, all I can safely assume is that my work is mediocre and appeals to a narrow audience. Great. So how do you know?
I have been told that I have a materialistic view of success. Meaning that I would view my writing as successful if it was accepted by the current process, ie, if I got an agent, got published, and made some money. That is the way I look at it. But there is another factor involved. I do write because I like doing it. I enjoy the process of creating a story and bringing it to life. But at the same time it is a lot of work, and seems horribly futile if I am going to be the only one ever to read it. Boo-hoo, poor me, I know.
